Therapy for the Yamis, Friendship Style
by molliepup1
Summary: After Battle City, the Hikaris realize that the Yamis are a bit violent. Fortunately, Tea is up to the job of counseling them...CHAPTER 4 UP.
1. Babysitting

A/N- My first fic in a while, so I don't know if it's any good. Read and review, I need some. XP

Just because this might confuse some people, I sort of switch back and forth between the theories that the Yamis can and cannot be in a separate body as the others. Most of the time they are separate. It's easier for the Hikaris to mock them that way. XP

Just to get names straight, Ryou is Hikari Bakura, Bakura is Yami Bakura, Malik is Hikari Marik, and Marik is Yami Marik. Remember that. XP

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. If I did, it wouldn't be called Yu-Gi-Oh, it would be called Malik-Oh! or possibly Bakura-Oh!

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It had occurred to the Hikaris after Battle City that the Yamis had somewhat of a violent nature. Yami, not so much, but Yuugi still felt that using Slyfer the Sky Dragon to obliterate Bakura was a bit much, despite his feelings toward the white-haired thief.

It was Ryou who first raised the concern, suffering yet another knife wound, then waking up in an unfamiliar bar the next morning. Yuugi researched the subject quite thoroughly, and found a candidate suitable for counseling sessions. "Seven days," she claimed, (no Ringu pun intended.) "Seven days is all it takes to turn your angry buddy into a friendly friend!"

The Hikaris were greeted with the cheery clang of a bell as they dragged the reluctant Yamis into a brightly lit room. There was a large mural of bunnies, rainbows, butterflies, and hearts seen immediately when entering, followed by a playroom containing several ripped up Barney plushies. There was a closed door at the end of that room, leading supposedly to an office. Loud voices emanated from the room.

"What the…you ripped up my Blue Eyes! You will nev-"

"Now, that's not the attitude you want to take. Friendship! Friendship will prevail! With friends, who needs a silly card?"

A few seconds passed, then the muffled sound of several curses in a row filled the air.

"Hey, Mokuba," said Yuugi, seeing the Vice President of Kaiba Corp. sitting among the trains. "What's going on?"

"Oh, I finally convinced Seto that he should take anger management classes after attempting to strangle one of his employees for spilling coffee," replied Mokuba. Several bangs were heard, followed by the breaking of glass. "Speaking of which, I should probably get out of here before he comes out. He's not too crazy about the idea, and the classes aren't going that great." Mokuba jumped to his feet and quietly snuck out of the office.

The door opened, and Tea flew out, followed by a disgruntled Kaiba who made a beeline for the exit. "MOKUBA! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

The therapist got to her feet, panting, studying the six people before her. "Hey Yuugi," she said, looking down at the spikes of multi-colored hair. "Bakura, Malik."

"I trust Yami and the others will be okay with you?" asked Yuugi, looking first at his split personality, and then at the therapist.

"Of course! We'll be good friends in no time!"

Ryou looked tentatively at Tea. "We just have to come back at three?"

"Yep!" she replied cheerfully.

The Hikaris made their way for the door, Ryou a little reluctantly, leaving behind three very bad-tempered souls. The bell clanged, and the Yamis were at last alone with the, in their point of view, very scary woman.

Tea studied, Bakura and Marik. "So, I hear you have anger management problems!"

Yami hmphed, and Marik said "That's what they say."

"Well, you know what the best cure for getting angry is? Babysitting!"

"What the Hell?" exclaimed Bakura. "I am not watching over some snot-nosed brat whose only desire is to repeat everything I say, and then lock me out of the house!"

"No worries!" replied the therapist cheerfully. "You don't have to watch over anyone! I'm the babysitter. You just have to play with the brats!"

"That's even worse!"

A half an hour later, the Yamis somehow found themselves on a playground with two extremely small children, even compared to Yuugi, and three a tad taller than Yuugi. Tea stood at the side, a clipboard in her hands, furiously making notes.

"Whitey-chan, push me!"

"Why do you have so many chains on your pants?"

"What's that weird tattoo underneath your shirt?" For one of the children had made their way on Marik's back, clinging on to the back of his shirt and almost strangling the poor spirit.

"Get the Hell off of me!" the spirit exclaimed angrily. "I am not a jungle gym!"

Meanwhile, several of the children had proceeded to play lava with all the belts and buckles on Yami's pants. The Pharaoh looked sorely tempted to sit on one of them, but resisted the urge when that same child peed on the back of his pants.

"This is fun, Onee-chan!" the children shouted to Tea, hanging from Yami's buckles. "Even better than the movies!"

Bakura, seemingly fed up with one particularly stubborn toddler, was summoning the Shadow Realm with a low, evil laugh. "You'll never escape the Shadow Realm…I will have hold of your soul forever." Tea intervened before the darkness claimed the entire child, and proceeded to make several furious checks on her clipboard.

Needless to say, everyone was glad when three-o-clock came around.

"Now, that was good progress!" Tea said optimistically, once again in the juvenile playroom. "Yami, you kept yourself from killing the poor child who peed on your pants, and you only said 'I am the Pharaoh' once!" Yami looked at her, irritated, and then continued preening himself. "Marik, you only broke three of little Bobby's ribs, as opposed to all of them! I'm very proud of you!" The spirit decided not to tell Tea about the incident with the Millennium Rod, which she had been in the restroom for the duration of. "Bakura, you still have quite a bit of anger bottled up inside of you. I think we need to work on that. After all, true joy does not come from stealing people's souls, but from smiling at the sight of friends and making others happy." Bakura scowled, contemplating the idea of stealing Tea's soul right then and there to prove her wrong.

"Well, this wraps up today's session. I think we ought to make a little friendship pact to remind us that we are always there for each other." The therapist pulled out a permanent marker. "Now everyone, stick out your hands."

The Yamis all left that day with one quarter of a smiley face on their hands, left to remind them of this living Hell. "I'll see you tomorrow!" Tea shouted from the door. "Remember, bring your duel disks!"

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Read and review. You know you want to.


	2. Breath of God?

Second chapter, folks. I'd like to thank my two –and only- reviewers, Dragon Shojo and The Magical Whatever. Those two reviews really made my day.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. If I did, I would sue 4Kids. Nor do I own Barney. Nor do I want to own Barney.

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The Yamis walked grumpily into the playroom the next morning, duel disks in hand. None of them had gotten much sleep the previous night. Yami had been up all night, attempting to wash a certain bad-smelling substance off his pants. Marik had been slipping in and out of various houses all night, searching for valuables, namely gold. Bakura, after Tea's remark about the shadow realm, had proceeded to terrorize a small child and torture it for several hours.

"Good morning!" A cheery voice sounded from behind the Yamis. "Not morning people, huh?"

"Don't make be shove this duel disk up your ass…" muttered Bakura under his breath, just quiet enough for Tea not to hear.

"Well, we have a lot to do today! I hope you all brought your decks!" said Tea. The three Yamis held up their decks to prove that they did indeed follow her instructions. "Okay, if you didn't guess, we'll be dueling today!"

"No duh…" said Marik.

"Does this mean that I'll finally be able to get revenge on that stupid Pharaoh over there?" asked Bakura.

"What, it's not my fault you suck at dueling," replied Yami.

"Why you little-"

It took Tea at least fifteen minutes to peel the two archrivals off each other while the third spirit stood in the corner, laughing at the situation.

"Like I said, we'll be dueling today! However, it's going to be a little different."

"In what way?" asked Yami.

Tea observed him for a moment. "Okay everybody, hand over your decks."

"WHAT?" exclaimed Marik angrily. "I am not giving you my deck! I've got good cards in there!"

"It's the only way this will work," replied Tea. "Now, give me your decks."

It was only the horror of Tea singing the Barney song at the top of her lungs that convinced the Yamis to succumb to her wishes.

"Thank you!" she said, running for her office and shutting the door before any of them had an opportunity to change their mind.

Tea emerged half an hour later to the three spirits fast asleep on the playroom floor.

"Up sillies!" she said, kicking Bakura in the stomach. "It's not naptime yet!"

"You know, I don't think I'm the one here who needs anger management counseling," Bakura groaned, clutching his stomach.

Marik and Yami both sat up groggily. "What the Hell is going on?" asked Marik, observing Bakura as he stood up in pain.

"We're dueling!" Tea replied cheerfully. "I think Yami and Bakura should be the first to go, since they obviously have hostile feelings towards each other than need to be lost."

"Only because the Pharaoh is a stupid, lying, cheating, God card-using scumbag," muttered Bakura.

"What was that, Grave Robber? I'm a lying, cheating scumbag? Talk about the pot calling kettle black…" said Yami.

Another two verses of the Barney song was necessary to end the bickering match that ensued.

Once Tea had ushered the two spirits to opposite ends of the room, with Marik at the side to help with judging, the duel began.

"Let's duel!" Yami and Bakura exclaimed, sounding somewhat cheesy and clichéd.

Both started the duel by drawing cards. Bakura looked down to observe what cards, only to be greeted with an unpleasant surprise.

"What the Hell? Where's my Dark Necrofear? My Headless Knight? My Dark Sanctuary? What the Hell did you do with all my cards?"

Yami too was staring at the cards in his hand with disgust. "Shining Friendship?" he asked. "Breath of God?"

Tea attempted to explain while the third spirit stood snickering in the corner once again. "I figure if you don't have any evil, angry cards, you can't have any evil angry feelings!"

Bakura stared at her. "Did it ever occur to you that there would be plenty of evil and angry feelings towards you?"

Tea simply stared at Bakura, brushing her fingers through her hair. "Oh, the thought occurred to me, but even you, Bakura, wouldn't be so low to attack a poor, helpless, female therapist. Imagine what ideas people would get about you."

"You little-" Bakura lunged himself at Tea, but fell over on his face as she promptly stepped to the side.

"Now be a good boy, Bakura, and duel."

Bakura retreated to his position on the field, retrieving his cards. "Alright," he said. "To start I summon Fire Sorcerer in attack position and place one monster face-down in defense."

Yami stood observing the field, looking occasionally at the cards in his hand. "I summon Magician of Faith in attack," he said after a few seconds, "and I place one card face down."

Bakura drew one card, looked at it, then made his move. "I move my monster card, Petite Angel, face up in attack position." He pulled a card from his deck. "I now use polymerization to create Little Fire Angel, and attack your Magician of Faith."

Once again, Marik snickered from his corner. "Little Fire Angel?" he muttered, silencing his laughter.

The duel continued somewhat like this until Yami was declared winner, having beaten Bakura with Tea's Dark Magician Girl, De-spell, and other cunning strategies.

"Damn you, Yami!" Bakura exclaimed. "Why is it that you have the annoying ability to sneak out of any trouble that faces you?"

Yami stood victorious, preening himself. "I suppose it must be my brilliant superiority over yourself. After all, I am the Pharaoh."

"Not for much longer!" yelled Bakura, lunging himself at Yami. The two engaged themselves in a small fistfight until Tea clobbered them with her anger management manual. As expected, Marik remained in his corner.

"That will be all for this week," Tea said, ushering the spirits out of the door hurriedly. "Meet me tomorrow at the mall. Eight-o-clock sharp." With this Tea shut the door on the spirits, leaving them with no idea what was in store for them tomorrow (no pun intended.) She then pulled the elegant birthday invitation from her pocket, looking at it. "Day after tomorrow," she muttered. "Might as well…"

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I'm sorry this chapter is short, but it was incredibly annoying to write! Feel free to criticize the duel, I know it was too short, and the moves may very well be against the rules, I wouldn't know. I actually haven't watched the show at all for about a year, and even then, I wasn't paying too much attention to the actual card game.

Marik seems to be left in the background quite a bit, eh? I can't really remember his personality all that well, except that he's a freaky, evil, power-hungry spirit. I don't know. I have too much fun with the arguments between Yami and Bakura. Marik will show up more in the next two chapters. Shopping malls, fancy birthday parties where people are wearing lots of jewelry…sounds like his kind of thing.

Please review, people. I need to know if I should continue this fic, or simply delete it. Criticism, just plain babbling, I appreciate anything.


	3. Sausage Links

A/N- Thank you, Krystalfire680, Random Person, and xAngelRyoux! Thanks to your wonderful reviews, I felt motivated to write another chapter quickly, so this chapter is dedicated to you guys! It has lots of Yami Bakura in it! I would have posted this sooner, but I was having some trouble uploading documents. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: Yu-Gi-Oh does not belong to myself. If it did, Namu would make a second appearance.

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The Yamis stood in the so-called shopping mall. Being surrounded by a mass of shoppers racing around the mess of stores was not their idea of a good day. Yami, of course, would rather be dueling, Marik would rather pilfer through other peoples' prized possessions, searching for valuables, and Bakura…well…Bakura's idea of a good time involved weaklings and the Shadow Realm.

"Good morning!" said a sudden voice from behind them, causing Yami and Marik to jump slightly, and Bakura to slip and fall on the cement floor. "I'm sorry," said Tea, holding out her hand to help up Bakura. "Did I scare you?"

"No," muttered Bakura, ignoring her hand and helping himself to his feet, ignoring Yami and Malik's sniggers. "What the Hell were you thinking, sneaking up on us like that?"

"It was too tempting."

"Coming from the girl who lectures me every day about how to treat people with respect…" Bakura said under his breath.

"Why are we here, anyway?" asked Yami.

"Oh, right!" Tea reached into her pocket and pulled out three envelopes, each of which she handed to the three spirits. All was silent for a few seconds while the Yamis opened the envelopes, then…

"Hell no." said Marik. "I am not attending some stuck-up, rich person's birthday party."

"I agree with Marik," said Bakura. "It's bad enough I have to talk to you, but I refuse to make small-talk with stuffy adults who won't even let me have a drink. I tell you, I'm five-thousand years older than him. He should be the one without the drink."

Tea looked crestfallen. "Come on, it's my aunt!" she exclaimed. "You know that annoying cheek-pinching thing aunts do? You get to see me suffer all day!"

"I'll come," said Yami. "I think the idea sounds wonderful. Of course, I will need a grand entrance. After all, I am the Pharaoh."

"That can be arranged."

Bakura stood with his mouth hanging open. "If the Pharaoh's going to be there, making some 'special entrance,' I am coming without a doubt," he said. "Remember to get film," he thought to himself. Bakura figured there would be plenty of wonderful opportunities for blackmail. After all, Yami did have those God cards Bakura had his eye on. Not to mention the Millenium Tauk and the Puzzle itself.

"I guess I have no choice," sighed Yami Malik. "I'll come."

"Thank you so much!" squealed Tea. "It'll be fun, I promise!"

"Yeah, whatever..."

"I take it we are here to find a birthday present?" Yami asked Tea.

"Yes, of course!" said Tea, trotting towards the center of the mall. "I was trying to come up with some ideas last night, but nothing seemed appealing. After all, my aunt is a bit…eccentric."

"Would she like clothing?"

"I don't think so. I was contemplating the idea of a nice purse or pearl necklace."

"What about Coach?"

"I was thinking something more like Louis Vuitton, actually."

Marik and Bakura followed the two, making no effort to contribute to the conversation. "Look at them go," Marik said. "It's like watching a _What Not to Wear _rerun."

Bakura didn't reply. 'The Pharaoh knows what Coach is?' he thought to himself.

After several hours of being dragged around the mall, all the Yamis had found a suitable present for "Auntie Sophie." Tea had purchased the expensive purse, while Yami, Bakura, and Marik had each found a meaningless yet costly gift. Yami's gift was a book about the various Egyptian Pharaohs. Bakura's present was a wood carving kit. The spirit only spotted it because of the shiny blades, but before he could protest, Tea had rushed him to the cashier. Marik's gift was the most interesting, picked up at one of the overpriced carts full of rubbish. It was a miniature statue of an Italian cook holding a length of sausage links. Marik didn't know why, but he found the statue quite adorable. It was a shame he had to give it up.

Tea and the Yamis left the mall with their purchases, which included party clothes, also known as two-piece suits. Bakura was not happy about having to dress up, but he supposed the pocketful of snitched jewelry worth thousands of dollars would make up for it.

Before Tea departed for her own car, she stopped to speak to the Yamis. "Remember, I need you at my office at ten-o-clock sharp, in your suits."

"What if I have no idea how the Hell to get this thing on?" asked Marik.

"Oh, I don't know, have Yami help you."

Yami turned to face Marik. "It would be my delight to help you," he said. "Anything to show off my superior skills."

"You mean there really is a brain beneath all that hair?" asked Bakura.

Once again, only the Barney song was able to calm the testy spirits. "I'll see you tomorrow, then!" said Tea, heading for her car after several verses. "Don't forget to wrap your gifts!"

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Short chapter, I know, but I thought this one turned out a little better than the others. A little bit odder, I think. This chapter really had nothing to do with the therapy storyline. Oh well. We all know the therapy isn't working, anyway. XP I'll try to include more of that next chapter.

I enjoyed the conversation between Yami and Tea. It was fun writing about Yami's grander, gayer side. Even harder to believe that Yami knows what Coach is is the fact that Marik knows what _What Not To Wear _is. Maybe he watches it on the rainy days? Maybe it's his favorite show? Who knows. And of course it's way too much fun writing arguments between Tea and Bakura. I feel like they often come off slightly BakuraXTea-ish, even though that's not what I'm shooting for at all.

Review, please, folks. Opinions, suggestions for future counseling sessions, whatever.


	4. And Gandalf Fell to his Doom

Yes! Chapter 4 is up! Sorry for the long wait, but I blame writer's block. Anyway, updates will hopefully be a lot quicker. Only three more chapters to go!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. (Insert witty disclaimer here.)

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The three spirits stood unhappily in the playroom. Rather, Bakura and Marik stood unhappily in the playroom. Yami was rather enjoying himself, all primped up in his suit and tie. They all had their wrapped gifts in hand, from Marik's, whose was very sloppily wrapped, to Yami's, which was wrapped so tight the paper threatened to tear.

"Damn this tie," muttered Bakura, loosening his collar.

"Good morning to everyone!" said Tea cheerfully, emerging from her office wearing a knee-length skirt and blouse. "I see everyone got dressed okay," she said, peering at the Yamis. "Except for Bakura. Tighten your tie."

"What? But this damn thing'll choke me!" responded Bakura.

Tea looked at him sternly. "Do you want Auntie Sophie to give you a _really_ long lecture about proper dressing?"

Bakura tightened his tie.

Since Auntie Sophie's house was up in the hills near the ocean (A/N-Does Domino City even have an ocean? Whatever. Plot device. XP) Tea drove herself and the three spirits.

The house was one of those houses that upon seeing it, you can tell it belongs to an eccentric old woman. Which was exactly what Auntie Sophie was. She had never been married, and had 15 cats. She went through phases in which she became obsessed with some odd hobby, ice sculpting, for instance. And she was someone that liked to pinch cheeks.

"My, aren't you just a cutie!" she exclaimed upon sighting Bakura, and immediately pinched his cheek. "Your hair is so handsome!"

"Hello, Auntie Sophie!" chimed Tea, saving Bakura from the wrath of cheek-pinching. "These are my friends, Bakura, Marik, and Yami."

"Pleased to meet you," said Yami, bowing.

Auntie Sophie peered at Marik. "I don't like the look of this one," she said. "That smirk. He's obviously a bad seed."

Bakura smirked too. He exactly the same intentions as Marik- to steal as many valuables as possible, but did Auntie Sophie suspect him? Yami merely scoffed. How dare that lady ignore him! He was the Pharaoh!

They entered the foyer, outside of which Auntie Sophie had been greeting people. A butler took the wrapped gifts from them and placed them on a table.

As far as the Yamis could tell, the party was simply a tangle of mingling. On the way in, Tea ran into several of her other aunts, all of which had the same reactions as Auntie Sophie. Little did they know how true their predictions of Marik were. Whenever possible, he had snitched valuables from the old ladies. However, they were all sorely mistaken about Bakura. He too grabbed gems and diamonds from the women.

"How many have you got?" challenged Marik, once they were free from the clutches of the latest aunt.

"Two strands of pearls, five diamond rings, and a gold bracelet." smirked Bakura.

"Damn!" said Marik, and hurried off to find more unsuspecting victims.

Yami had gone to have a word with Auntie Sophie. He found her talking with a withered, old couple, grandparents or something of the sort. "Excuse me ma'am," he said to her.

"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed. "It's you."

Yami stepped forward, and the old couple stepped back. "I don't know if you are aware, but I am the Pharaoh."

"I'm sorry, I don't believe in that sort of rubbish," she said.

"Even if you do not believe in it, I assure you that it is true," said Yami angrily. "I am the Pharaoh, and I do not like it when people disrespect me."

Yami looked seriously ticked off now. Tea only had time to spot the cloud of black that was enveloping the house to run over and push Yami over. The Shadow Realm disappeared.

"I'm the Pharaoh!" yelled Yami from the ground. "I deserve respect!"

A murmur of voices was heard from the other party guests. "Is he mentally stable?" A guest asked his friend in a low voice.

"I'm sorry, Auntie," said Tea apologetically.

Auntie Sophie looked at Tea angrily. "GET OUT!" she screamed. "LEAVE THIS PARTY AT ONCE! AND TAKE YOUR GIFTS WITH YOU!"

Tea and the Yamis left the party and entered the familiar playroom. Tea closed the door and turned around. "I can't believe you!" she said to them. "Bakura and Malik, how much did you steal?"

Marik mumbled something that sounded like "And then Gandalf fell to his doom…"

"What?"

"Three bracelets, a necklace, and a brooch," said Marik.

"And Bakura?" inquired Tea.

Bakura put his hands in his empty pockets. "I didn't steal anything!" he said cheerfully.

"Impossible."

"It's true," he said. "Search me."

Bakura pulled out all his pockets, and yet, there were no jewels. "Fine," said Tea. "Marik, you are to write an apology, and return all the stolen jewelry by tomorrow."

Bakura smirked. Thank goodness for the secret compartments he kept in the soles of his shoes for occasions just like this.

Tea turned to Yami. "For tonight I want you to read this," she said.

Yami looked at the book. "People Skills and How to Use Them?" he asked.

"Yes," said Tea briskly. "Now, I'll see you all tomorrow, nine-o-clock sharp."

As the Yamis left, Tea sat down at her desk, sighing. The therapy obviously wasn't working. She was going to have to take more drastic measures in the three days left of the week.

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I seriously had no plans whatsoever with this chapter, them getting kicked out was just a random whim I had. And I have no idea what to do for the next three chapters. Ideas, please?


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